Because I’ve been working out rigorously, averaging about 5x a week (hey, for this cellulitic girl, this is outstanding), I thought it was time I get my own musical device. I’d been using Eric’s nifty iPod for almost 3 weeks now and the times we work out together, he’s stuck listening to whatever the gym is playing. And I know he loves his music (what person listens to Metallica during their workouts though?!) so….. we bought me a Nano. Ok, so I knew the Nano was smaller… but golly, I didn’t expect it to look as small as…as…a pencil. Gash. Ok, ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration but in relation to my body? Pretty close! When I opened the box, I just stared at it for the longest time. In fact, I was reminded of this one article I read in a magazine (one that had to do with clothes, I think) that said you must match your bag to the size of your body. Wait, I said that wrong. Basically, if you’re fat, don’t be wearing some tiny bag that fits directly under your arm-pit (take, for instance, my white/brown Coach bag that is now sitting in my closet as I’ve gained too much weight for it to look decent on me… though it still does fit under my armpit… but further accentuates how huge my stomach area and ass is in its entirety). So that’s how I felt when I opened the Nano. Like it wouldn’t look right on me once it was strapped onto my massive arms.  A pencil on my arm.  Imagine that!

Whoever said size doesn’t matter is oh so wrong!

I had a (funny) dream last night. Or rather, this morning. Hubby announced that he was having an affair. I wanted to be the typical wife, so I willed myself to cry ~ you know, the way they do on television, with clenched fists as they drive their fists into their husband’s chest and ask, “How could you! How could you do this to me!” So in the dream, I managed to bawl, scrunching up my face like I was in so much pain… but there were no tears. Inside, I felt nothing. It was almost as if I were hearing some new headline news for the day ~ in one ear, out the other. I can’t remember but I think hubby was expecting a dramatic reaction or response too… but the bawling (fake, that is) stopped and I could swear I just walked out the door or something. Maybe it hadn’t truly hit me yet, but I wasn’t hurt, shocked or felt like I’d been slapped in the face.. or air sucked out of me… or the world crashing down on me. I was unfazed.

Maybe because, in the dream, I had just gotten off the phone with my own secret lover before hubby broke the news. Hahaha!

I was at the store when I received an unexpected phone call from one of my bridesmaids in Australia. She’s also my first cousin, and one I love dearly (we had such good memories–and secrets–together when we’d vacation to the PI). She is such a good person… but oh, I know she’s got some secrets of her own (we ALL do girl hahaha). Anyways, she called to let me know she wouldn’t be able to make it to the wedding as there’s a problem with flights getting her out of Manila by the end of the 1st week of January (she has to get back to work). While I am super bummed out, I understand her predicament. Work is work, we have responsibilities and shit happens. ‘Tis is life. Still, it won’t be the same without her. Period. It’s very rare that you get us girl cousins together these days (we’re all over the place–Vegas, California, Alaska, Australia) so this was going to be a reunion of sorts. A crazy one, mind you! And Malouvy’s one of those people who can totally de-stress you (or just make you happy) by just being there. She’s unbelievably calm, so assuring and just hearing her sweet, nice laugh wills away whatever evilness that exists on this earth…or in your soul. Hahaha! But instead of feeling bad about it, I choose to think of it this way: MORE cake and food for me! LOL.

On a happier note, one thing that keeps my spirits up about the whole Malouvy-not-being-at-the-wedding-thing is that Malouvy was just engaged this month! Again, I was at the store when I got her phonecall. And I knew exactly why she was on the other line…she didn’t have to say it cuz I said it before she did hahaha. I was surrounded by so many people, majority of them pinoy, but I didn’t care. I screamed and laughed and threw my head back without a care in the world… our Malouvy was getting married!! Destination is Australia and I couldn’t be any more excited. Hell, March or April 2008 is her target and oooohhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeaaahhh, my goal is to be sizzlin’ HOT! LOL. (But wait, shouldn’t I be focused on looking good for my own wedding? Hahahaha.) I told Malouvy not to worry and that if we couldn’t be together this January, we’ll party at her own wedding ~ Australian style! SOOOO EXCITED! Congrats to Malouvy and Alex!

Liv and Van brought up a very good question during one of their conversations. Why blog?

I have to be honest, I never even knew about blogging or online journals until this year. The first type of blogs I’d read were those in myspace.com where a number of my family and friends are members (yes me too, though I seldom use it). Then I started noticing people in W@W with blogs. Before you know it, I was suddenly checking out certain blogs everyday and finding myself thoroughly entertained. But despite this, I never entertained the idea of creating one for myself cuz well, it seemed everyone was blogging; I wasn’t one to follow the trend, so to speak. That, and just what the heck would I write about anyways? I always have shitloads to say but to share it to an undisclosed amount of people ~ people that I just might be talking about? Hala, better not.

But look at me now. I’ve joined the bandwagon of bloggers! I started at weddingannouncer.com and now I’m here. Why? Honestly, I don’t know. I just am. Weak, but true.

Here’s another question I forgot to include in yesterday’s entry: Would I be nicer if I was skinny?

I can’t remember who it was (whether it was my cousin or someone from the blogging world) that said I probably would be (nicer). Huh. But enough of this obsession .

I thought about this today and I wonder if I’m a bitch because I’m fat or if I’m a bitch just because I really don’t like (or care) about too many people and what they think? My husband is ever the nice guy (major people pleaser – drives me NUTS!) so I think we balance each other well. Though he can be extreme at times (but only when provoked), I know he wonders about me sometimes. For instance, I’ll make a call somewhere to inquire about something and when I get my info and even before the other person on the other line can finish their typical, “You’re very welcome ma’am, thank you for calling…” I’ve already slammed my phone shut. This gets Eric all the time. Or if we walk into a store or restaurant and we don’t get the service we deserve, you bet I’m calling them on it. Eric will try to whisper, “Tama na, tama na….” but for what? Does he not understand we’re paying for a certain service? I think it’s simple, really.

So in relation to me being fat, am I a “bitch” because I’m unhappy with how I look or what I am and as a result, those feelings of inadequacy are being geared towards people I encounter? I don’t think so. I’ve been a big girl all my life but this never stopped me from doing all the things I’ve wanted to do. I may not have many friends but the friends I do have have been around for more than 20 years, some less. I have a daughter who keeps me grounded (albeit not as grounded as I should be hahaha) and I have a husband who doesn’t want to leave me. Add to that fact that I am living the life I’ve always wanted. So the notion that fat people are rude and bitchy because they’re unhappy inside and have to put up a guard to ‘protect’ themselves (I think this was on Dr. Phil) is complete and utter crap.

If you’re reading this now, you must have visited my old blogsite: ericandjen.weddingannouncer.com. This is where I’ll be camping out from now on as I share with you every odd (and sometimes normal) detail of my (cellulitic) life .

I hope you enjoy.