Speechless

Yep.  That would be me.  I would have to say this is one of the first moments in my life when I absolutely have nothing smart, sarcastic, funny, or stupid to say.

It all started with a phone call this evening.  Cancer, she said. 

CANCER. 

Let me say that again.  C-A-N-C-E-R.  

Just typing the word out makes my heart beat in pain.  You don’t know this but it’s actually taking me a long time to type what I’m typing cuz I am, as the title of this post suggests, speechless.

How?  Why?  When?  Where?  But I couldn’t dare ask how long, for fear I.. well.  Hell I don’t know.  I honestly just don’t fucking know.  Since Tuesday though, that’s what I do know.  And leukemia.

And when, for probably one of the first times in my life, I chose to remain silent, shocked as I was, not really sure if I had heard correctly, I hear laughter on the other end though not as strong and convincing… and why?  Because she had called me for some positive reinforcement blah blah blah.  WHAT?!  Oh, I suddenly forgot.  Because I’m the one who gives out laughter for free.  Because I’m someone who will do something about it. 

Dear God.  How in the hell do you do cancer?  I’m not good with emotions, I don’t do “I love you’s”.  I don’t do the hugs.  I don’t do the tears in public.  And I sure as hell don’t know what to do with this heart of mine that thumps like there’s no tomorrow everytime I imagine her image on that hospital bed.  Missing her babies. 

But in the course of a few minutes… on the topic of hair and chemo and her suggestion on shaving it off, I saw the light.  Long silky carves.. many of them.. bold prints.. magenta.. blues.. aquas.. blacks and whites… all together… covering her head and big ass bug eye shades… rocking it out like the ghetto fabulous women we are.  And in that moment, it hit me… she asked me to go see her because somehow, I could make my difference.  Gad it hurts.  I don’t do scenes like this! 

And Eric getting that airline job… here we go… I would need those free miles to go as I please.

I feel I’m being challenged.  I don’t show love and care all that well when things get serious.  I close myself off… voluntarily choosing to let others believe I don’t give a damn only because I don’t know how to show I do feel something.  And cancer?  Possibly even death?  Get the hell out of here.  What would anyone need from me?!

But for her and for all the things she stood for in my eyes… the good times that were few but sooo right and hilarious, hell, I’ll give her all the laughter she needs.  Heck, even the scarves.  Hehehe. 

Sigh.  My heart is pretty heavy.